


it's always been you

by samsbestgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, Feels, First Kiss, Getting Together, Guilt, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, No Sex, Sibling Incest, Truth Spells, Unrequited Castiel/Dean Winchester, Unrequited Love, implied bottom Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:13:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22073812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samsbestgirl/pseuds/samsbestgirl
Summary: After a hunt went wrong, the boys are forced to face some truths about themselves and the ones they love.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 192





	it's always been you

Sam stands silent with a foot hanging off the edge of the table and his head hung low, fiddling with a loose thread on his flannel. He aches to say something, to break the strange tension in the air surrounding the three of them, but he also knows there's no way to avoid the confrontation that's bound to follow. 

The hunt hadn't been particularly hard to deal with, it's just that sometimes you overlook things thinking they don't matter in the bigger picture and, of course, they end up mattering the most. Sam almost rolled his eyes at himself when, upon returning to the bunker, he's noticed something was not quite right. The way that Cas seemed to stray closer to Dean, the way Dean's eyes kept following Sam's every move without any obvious reason, the way he could practically feel the unspoken things hanging on both Dean and Cas's tongues. 

He immediately figured something wasn't quite right and so, he gathered both of them in the library and started questioning them to find out what's to be done about the whole situation. 

He asked one question. Only one question.

But it had been enough.

Now the three of them are sitting in complete silence, in the aftermath of the words they can't own up to, still in denial and trying to pretend like it hasn't been said, like their world didn't suddenly turn on its axis, leaving them on their knees to deal with the consequences. 

"I - I meant, I feel..." Cas struggles to rectify what he said, but it's of no use. The words left his mouth and changed everything. Sam knows it as surely as he knows they need to stop beating behind the bush and try to find a solution. Quickly.

Sam had asked them how they were feeling. It was supposed to be a simple question. Except for the fact that Cas replied, "I feel like kissing Dean." 

Sam feels his stomach tie up in knots and tears stinging his eyes because this is it. What he has been waiting for since he met Cas and noticed how the angel's eyes analyzed Dean's every move, how his gaze seemed to scream that he'd undress Dean right then and there if he had the chance. Yeah, Sam noticed alright. And he didn't like it one bit. It's hard not to notice the signs when you've spent your whole life trying to hide them. But he's been waiting for it, almost holding his breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop and to sweep him off his feet with the force of it.

He's terrified. Terrified of Dean's answer. 

The room holds his breath in time with them and Sam doesn't dare move in fear of shattering the strange cocoon Cas's revelation placed them into. 

He knows it's a truth spell. He can feel it deep in his bones.

And he knows it can wreak havoc on their lives.

Sam's breathing changes, becomes erratic, and he feels like he won't be able to properly breathe ever again. His head is spinning and something's clutching at his chest, something he recognizes as fear. Dammit, he wasn't prepared for it. He can't fucking deal with this. 

And he knows exactly why.

And it's making him sick.

He knew he was a freak. Fucked up. But this just takes the cake. 

Jealousy has never looked good on him.

He makes to leave, fearing he'll suffocate if he stays there any longer, but strong, warm fingers wrap around his wrist, pulling him back. He turns, surprised and confused, and finds himself face to face with Dean. His face, open and earnest and so damn afraid, pleads with him to stay. He looks him in the eyes as if he's the only thing keeping him together in the face of everything he has to meet headfirst.

And Sam knows if he stays his heart will be ripped to pieces but he also can't say no to Dean. His brother has always been his weakness and no matter how Sam might feel later, how little it would remain of him at the end of this, he'll be there for him. 

He nods slightly and Dean shoots him a grateful smile, releasing his wrist. 

Sam immediately misses the touch like crazy. 

But of course, he can't say that. Thank God the spell didn't get to him too.

He sits back on the table and waits patiently for everything to be over. He hates this build-up, this anticipation. And he can't help but look at Cas as if he's to blame for all of it. If he just kept his mouth shut.

Sam knows he's being irrational. It was the spell. He literally couldn't keep his mouth shut.

That doesn't make it any easier though.

"I'm sorry," Cas says finally and it feels like the beginning of the end. "I'm not good at this... human things. I think you call them feelings. Ahm..." He seems to be struggling for a second before he blurts out, "It's true, what I said. I think about it all the time, ever since I met you." He comes closer to Dean and Dean's breath hitches, stumbling a step backward. Cas stops and lifts his gaze to the sky as it to steel himself.

"Cas, stop. Please..." Dean breaths out and tightly shuts his eyes in anguish, as if that particular gesture could stop Cas from further talking about his feelings. Sam grits his teeth and forces himself to stay put. They need to work this out before it tears them all apart.

"I'm in love with you," Cas says and Sam swears they all stop breathing for just a second before Dean lets out the breath he was holding and turns his back to Cas, a silent plea for privacy to take it all in, to make sense of everything that's been dumped on him right that second. 

Sam feels a tear slip out and he hurries to wipe it away. He's looking everywhere but at Dean and Cas and wishes with all his might to be anywhere but there. He doesn't want to know what will happen next.

He must've made some sort of noise because the next thing he knows Dean opens his eyes and snaps his gaze to him, pulled out of his musings, his expression worried and affectionate. In three seconds flat he's right beside Sam, a hand on his shoulder, those bright green eyes checking him over. 

"Are you hurt? What's wrong?"

And that genuine concern, his big brother's protective side on display for Sam to see, that's what makes him lose it. He's suddenly crying, tears pouring down his face because of course, Dean's worried about his well being first and foremost.

No matter the fact that he's just had some big revelation, a hands-down grand turning point in his life, he drops everything and comes to stand by Sam.

And Sam couldn't love him more than at that moment.

And he couldn't hate himself more for thinking that this is all he'll ever be. Dean's little brother. Dean will never look at him and see something more. And that makes him cry even harder, bowling his eyes out right there on their library table in front of Dean and his fucking best friend-soon-to-be-boyfriend and fuck his life. 

That's what he deserves for being in love with his brother.

And Dean being Dean is scared to death of his sudden outburst, worried out of his mind and trying, while failing, to soothe him and find out how to help him. "Sammy, what..." He grips Sam's chin and forcingly lifts his face so that he can look Sam in the eye. Dean is wide-eyed and his mouth is hanging open, his hands fisted in Sam's shirt like he's his lifeline. Like he can keep him from falling apart through sheer force of will. 

Sam is avoiding his gaze and Dean tightens his grip. "Sam, look at me. Come on, show me those beautiful eyes, baby. Why you crying? Are you hurting?"

And he must not realize what he said because he doesn't retract, doesn't say he didn't mean it. And Sam can't pretend he didn't hear it. He sheepishly lifts his eyes to Dean's face, meets his earnest gaze headfirst and lets out a deep breath, suddenly unsure. About everything. Could he have meant...?

No. He couldn't have. Sam should know better than to get his hopes up like that. 

Dean's brain must've caught up with the endearment that slipped past his lips because his eyes widen even more, almost imperceptibly and he lets go of Sam's chin like he's been burned. If Sam didn't know better, he'd say he was embarrassed. 

"I'm... fine." Sam says, his voice rough from crying, his tears drying on his face, and he looks over at Cas who's staring at them with an unreadable expression on his face, shifting from foot to foot as if uncomfortable. "Sorry..."

"Don't be sorry." Dean sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. "Are you really okay?" He must be pretty worried, then.

"Yeah - I - I'm okay." Sam knows Dean's dying to ask what was that about, what the hell's made him that emotional, but he doesn't dare to. Plus, Cas's presence in the room must not do anything to ease his nerves.

Dean takes a deep breath, satisfied for the moment, and turns to face Cas, his shoulders tense as if braced for a fight. "Cas, I don't know what to say... I - I should apologize. I'm sorry if I ever gave you any reason to think this - us - could work out. If I led you on some way or another... It was unintentional." 

Sam doesn't even dare breathe. His heart is in his throat and his palms are sweating. He feels dizzy. 

"The truth is... I'm in love with someone else." Sam releases the breath he was holding and his shoulders drop. He doesn't feel relief. He doesn't feel anything. He just wants to know who. Who is Dean in love with. "And even if I wasn't," Dean continues. "I just don't feel that way about you. We're just friends and that's what we're always going to be." He didn't mean to be so harsh or straightforward, but the spell didn't give him much choice.

Sam dropped his eyes to the floor and he inconspicuously analyzed his feet, wondering. Who could Dean be in love with? I mean, in their line of work you don't exactly have enough time to get to know someone, to catch feelings and fall in love. You just don't. And he can't imagine Dean being in love with anyone they know in the hunter's community. He just can't. So then who?

Cas's face fell and he tried not to let it show. Sam internally congratulated him, he wouldn't have been able to hold it together. If his earlier breakdown was anything to go by.

Sam just feels defeated. 

He may not be in Cas's shoes, but he knows exactly how it's like to be in love with Dean and not have your feelings returned. 

"Can I ask you something?" Cas broke the silence, eyeing them curiously in that way of his. "I no longer feel compelled to tell the truth. I'm thinking maybe that's because I've already told you my deepest secret."

Dean, anticipating where he's heading with that particular train of thought, interrupts him by raising one hand. "Cas, no, please... Stop!" 

"Who are you in love with?" 

And that right there. Sam's thoughts exactly.

Sam can practically feel Dean's blood drain from his face, the tremors racking his body, his muscles tensing and contracting with the struggle to keep it in. To not let them see. He can also feel the exact moment Dean's defenses come crashing down, leaving him vulnerable and afraid, the moment Dean realizes it's futile to fight the spell. That he's going to lose no matter what. He can feel the fight pour out of him and Sam doesn't care anymore about his answer. Not when it's clear Dean doesn't want to say. Not when it's clear it's tearing him apart.

Sam hates seeing his brother looking so dejected. 

He wants it to stop. 

And it does stop, and along with Dean's answer, Sam stops breathing too. 

"I'm in love with Sammy." Dean puts his head in his hands, hiding his face, wondering if that would be enough to block out the world around him. The guilt is rolling off him in waves. 

"Why am I not surprised?" And the next thing Sam knows, he hears the sound of Cas's wings flapping and when he whips his head around to stare at the spot where Cas was supposed to be, the place is empty. Cas was gone.

That left him and Dean alone. 

Dean squares his shoulders and turns around to face Sam. The spell must've worn off. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights and he's frantically searching for a way out. "I - I fucking need a drink." He says but he makes no move to get himself one, instead staring intently at Sam, waiting for him to say something, anything. 

Sam knows him. He's probably expecting a punch. 

Hell, Dean's face tells him he would welcome it.

Dean sighs and rubs a hand fleetingly over his face. His cheeks are red and he can't quite catch Sam's eyes with his. "I'm so - so sorry. I never wanted you to find out. I would've kept it hidden, I would've never acted on it, you have to believe me. I would've never done anything to hurt you. I - " He pauses, thinking his words through. "I can live with feeling this for you, but Sam I can't cope with you hating me. Please - " 

But he doesn't get far with that train of thought because Sam's suddenly up from the table and in three quick strides stands before Dean. He cups his face in his hands and brings his lips down on Dean's, taking his first taste of the most powerful aphrodisiac ever made. He's been wanting to taste Dean's soft, plump lips since he knew what his dick was for, he's dreamt of them and desired from afar, never thinking he'd get to know how they feel against his. 

He keeps the kiss short, not pushing Dean for more. He wants to give him time to adjust to this new revelation, to realize he's not alone in this, that even if they're sick and fucked up for wanting this, at least they have each other. That must count for something. Their lips part and Sam opens his eyes just in time to see Dean's eyes widen in shock and confusion. He must not have expected that.

"I could never hate you. Not for this, not for anything." 

"But I - " Dean is at a loss for words. Despite that, his hands come up to wrap around Sam's slim waist, his grip possessive and secure, like he was meant to do this. Like he was meant to touch Sam like that. 

Sam melts in Dean's touch and brings his hand up to caress Dean's warm cheek, watching him lean into his touch almost mindlessly. "I want this too, Dean. Please, don't feel guilty. Haven't we felt enough guilt already? When can we get some happiness for ourselves without feeling like we're doing something wrong?"

That seems to do the trick because Dean comes to some sort of conclusion, a genuine smile spreading across his face, and he smashes his lips against his little brother's, their bodies coming flush together, both of them feeling the hard lines of each other's frame. Their lips slide against each other provocatively, passionately, and Sam loses himself in the feeling of his brother in his arms.

Dean pushes at his lips with his tongue, coaxing his mouth open, and Sam opens for him without hesitation, allowing his tongue to sneak inside. Dean maps the roof of his mouth with his tongue, seeking out that unique flavor that is just Sam. Sam moans in his mouth, his dick stirring in his pants and twitching, insistently demanding he do something about it. Dean sucks on his tongue and when Sam shifts his hips, searching for a little friction he feels Dean's cock sliding against his, just as hard as he is. Dean groans and lifts one hand, gripping his hair tight and pulling a little, just enough to make Sam think that if Dean keeps this up he'll come in his pants like a teenager. 

Dean's other hand sneaks down and he palms at Sam's groin, feeling his dick hardening further under his touch. He whimpers, bucks his hips up, and Dean gets the message because he starts rubbing at his erection, unzipping his pants and his hand finds the way inside, pulling Sam's cock out and starting stroking it maddeningly slow.

The need for air becomes too much and much too soon they're pulling away, panting against each other's lips, not much room for anything besides air in between them. 

"Fuck, the things you do to me, Sammy." Dean rests their foreheads together and Sam closes his eyes in bliss. It's been a long time since he's felt so content.

'Yeah, well, ditto." Dean laughs against his lips and the sensation makes Sam's whole body shiver. "What about Cas?" He asks and he regrets it as soon as it left his lips. 

Dean tenses and sighs, pulling away just enough to look Sam in the eye, searching his face intently. " _What about Cas?_ "

Sam drops his gaze and shifts on his feet, wishing he didn't bring this up. "I mean, you and him - " He can't go on.

Dean, picking up on his emotions and guessing what he was trying to say without him having to say it, lifts up his chin with a gentle finger. "There is no me and Cas, Sammy. You're the most important one. The only one. You have nothing to worry about. It's just you." Dean says fondly as if he was talking to a petulant child that needed to be reassured. 

And maybe he was. Sue him. 

Sam's blinding smile reached his eyes and he kissed Dean again, this time harder, more heated, teasing them both. "Mhmm..."

"If I knew it led to this, I would've told you years ago how I felt." 

And Sam just laughed because of course, Dean would find a way to turn this sexual. Not like he minded. Not at all. 

"I love you too, you know..." Sam says shily. 

Dean's forest-green eyes stare at him with so much fondness and desire that it almost brings Sam to his knees. "Now I do." 

Dean takes his hand, throwing a devilish smirk his way, before dragging him in the direction of his room. They have a lot of making up for lost time to do.

And Sam wouldn't have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a continuation of this in the future. If you're interested leave a comment to know if I should write one or not.


End file.
